Friendly Reminder | Blogmas Day 22

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A friendly reminder as we approach the peak of the holiday season:

it's okay if you're struggling

it's okay if you're not feeling festive

it's okay if you can't meet the predetermined expectations of this time of year

it's okay if you need to not participate in the season in order to take care of yourself

it's okay

We are all doing the very best we can, and the time of year doesn't change that.

We will all get through this.

Take care of yourselves. 💖

Running & Mental Illness | Blogmas Day 8

I've been wanting to write about this topic for a while. As I've shared very candidly on this blog and on other platforms, I have struggled a lot with anxiety & depression in my life, especially so this year. A lot of studies out there show that exercising regularly can help with having better mental health, and I know so many folks out there who look to running as a form of therapy. While this is all well and good, I personally don't find that running or exercise is a cure-all for the mental illnesses that I deal with, and I don't ever see anyone talking about also struggling with not "feeling better" by running or exercising. It's hard for me to believe that I'm the only person that feels this way, so I wanted to write a post that talks about my relationship with running and mental illness so that folks out there who might feel the same way as me don't feel so alone.

When I'm feeling anxious, and especially when I'm going through a depressive episode, I find that my motivation to lace up for a run or head to the gym is next to nothing. When I'm feeling super down on myself, I find that more often than not I either have to:

A. Suck it up and just work out anyway, or

B. Work through whatever I'm experiencing mentally and sacrifice the workout

Until recently I've let myself rely on option B more often than not, which ultimately makes me feel like *more* of a failure. (So, you know... not a great solution.) I've more recently (with my #Sub5orBust training) started to get back on the option A train and get out there and train regardless how I feel mentally. Usually this is where people might say "and after my run/work out I feel SO MUCH BETTER"... but more often than not that's not really the case for me. I guess I feel better in the sense that I've accomplished a task, but I'm usually around the same level of anxious or depressed following a work out that I was before I exercised.

I've also found recently, that my anxiety LOVES to escalate itself in the following hours/day after a really huge work out. I've had a LOT of break downs the day after long runs or marathons, and I'm not sure if that's just the exhaustion at play, but it's super frustrating. I find that I can get super irritated at the drop of a hat, I'm worried about EVERYTHING, and my mind is often super clouded. I remember specifically getting so upset over the fact that I didn't have enough quarters to do my laundry the day after the Coastal Delaware Marathon that I felt the need to scream and cry in my car. Like... what? Why was I so upset about that when I could have easily have gotten more quarters? Shouldn't I have been on an endorphin high after such a huge physical accomplishments? Am I a weirdo? 😂

I did a little Google search to see if anyone else was feeling similarly, and while I didn't find a ton out there, I did find a handful of blog posts and articles that speak to this topic (all with surprisingly similar titles):

Running is NOT My Therapy - Mommy Runs It, 2015

No, Running Isn't Always the Best Therapy - Runner's World, 2018

Running Isn't Therapy - Trail Runner, 2019

I think one of the biggest takeaways that I found in these articles is that folks can sometimes feel guilty being a runner that doesn't find the solution to all of their problems by running. It's almost like there's a stigma against not feeling mentally AMAZING after putting in a good workout. I can totally relate to feeling this guilt. Everyone else talks about how great they feel after a run, because no one wants to post about how shitty they still feel after putting in a tough workout. It's another side effect of that ~perfect life~ everyone wants to post onto their social feeds. This is why talking about this stuff is SO IMPORTANT. Having an open dialogue about our experiences (no matter how ugly) will bring us closer as a community, and ultimately make it easier for us to support one another through the hard times as well as the exciting ones.

I don't really have an explanation as to why this is my experience. I don't find running as an escape or a solution to feeling stressed, anxious, or depressed, and I don't think I have an answer as to why that is. I don't think that's a bad thing or a weird thing, but it's what I experience as a runner. I wish I could be one of those runners that could let my worries melt away after a run, but that's just not me, and I think we as runners should be talking about this more. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way, and I'd love to hear from folks who might have similar experiences to me. I feel like mental health isn't talked about very explicitly in the running community, and I would love to see that change!

Do you use running or exercise as a form of therapy?

Do you tend to feel better mentally after a work out?

Let me know in the comments!

Returning & a New Spooky Layout

Hello friends 👻

It's been nearly a month since the last time I've produced content and honestly this month off has been so stinkin' needed. My mental health this year has been garbage and it has been really unfair for me to push myself to continually put my life out on display when I felt so horrible. I've done a lot of healing over the last few weeks which has been so great, and I'm feeling like I'm in a place where I can start producing content again. I'm a little nervous to be getting back to posting because I've been feeling really great during my time away, but I do really miss it and I want to get back to it. We'll just see how it goes.

As a fun way to get back to blogging, I updated my blog layout to celebrate the fact that we're getting into one of my favorite times of year - the spooky season! I've never really thought to do this before, but I think changing up my layout with the seasons would be a fun way to keep things ~fresh~. I'm trying it out with some Halloween colors and some spooky bats for the month of October, and I'm thinking I'll probably do some festive changes for November and December as well!

This is the way my blog has been looking since 2017.

...and here it is all dressed up for Halloween! 

Every year when I decorate something with bats for Halloween I always think of the scene from Bob's Burgers of Linda Belcher decorating the restaurant with more ~realistic~ bats:

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This weekend I have a 3 day weekend (Saturday-Monday) and I'm looking forward to some downtime. Work hasn't slowed down at all since the students have come back so I'm really savoring my off time. Here's what I'm hoping to get up to this weekend:

1. Finish reading a few books before the end of September. Right now I'm in the middle of a few that I'd like to finish up before the end of the month, and I want to get to a couple of others that I haven't started. The titles I'm hoping to read this weekend include:

If I Was Your Girl by Meredith Russo
(I'm about 35% through)

Lock Every Door by Riley Sager
(it's thriller season! 🖤)

A House for Happy Mothers by Amulya Malladi (18 pages into this and need to finish it for a book club my colleagues and I have)

Fullmetal Alchemist, vol 19-21 by Hiromu Arakawa
(because it's been too long since I've picked up a manga)

2. Go on a couple of mid-distance runs (in the 4-7 mi range. Maybe a 10 mi? I'm currently tapering for Newport so we'll see!)

3. Hang out with some friends on Saturday night and Brett's family on Sunday.

4. Somehow make time to journal and craft, and catch up on the new episode of The Challenge, Jersey Shore, and The Good Place.

It should be a great weekend and hopefully it's a precursor for a more relaxed schedule ahead. I'm looking forward to October -- marathon #12, start of my first indoor rec volleyball league, Brett's birthday, horror novels, and cozy baking galore.🦇 I'm hoping this return to blogging will be a positive one that will fill my bucket rather than drain it. Either way, my focus is on my well being and doing what feels good. ✌️ 

Goodbye, BEDA (BEDA Day 31)

Today is the last day of BEDA, and to be honest I'm relieved more than anything. While I enjoy the practice of keeping a daily log of my thoughts and feelings, this month was not the month to be taking on this challenge. I've very clearly been having a hard time. I talked about it a lot over the course of the month, and it got to the point where I felt embarrassed to continue to come back to this platform day after day and either 

1. try to hide what I was feeling 

or 

2. repeatedly talk about how terrible I felt in a public way. 

It just... wasn't a good time to be doing this, and while I know I could have stopped this challenge at any time, I felt really stubborn and wanted to accomplish this goal once I started it. I know that sounds super negative, but it's the truth. If I wasn't in this mental head space, I likely would have really enjoyed this challenge, and I guess I should have taken that into consideration before committing myself to it.

That being said, I think I need to take an all around internet break for a while. Not really sure how long it will be... maybe I'll be back tomorrow. 🤷‍♀️ But I just need to not be committed to posting to the internet in any fashion at the moment. I'm exhausted and need to recuperate, and I can't do that while I'm forcing myself to feel okay.

I appreciate everyone who has read along this month, and I'm sure I'll be back soon.

You Ain't Reason (BEDA Day 23)

Weekend plans:

1. Watch UnReal - I recently got into it and it's a reality show lover's dream of a scripted show

2. Finish up Love Island UK - the last few episodes should be going live on Hulu tomorrow

3. Present to a few student groups at a student leader retreat tomorrow

4. Run 16 miles on Sunday... fingers crossed I can catch that distance

5. Finish my paint by numbers I started last weekend

Weekends tend to be harder lately because there's less to keep my mind occupied. This comic I came across today reminded me of the mentality that I need to reference back to when the shadow snake is taking over. #youalittlebitch 😂

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Peter, You Suck + an Exciting Purchase (BEDA Day 16)

Literally how I feel today:

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I feel like every time I mention that I feel good my brain is like HAHA PSYCH and brings me back down. I'm over it. Ugh. At least now I'm in the mood to watch one of my favorite movies again, so Forgetting Sarah Marshall is officially on the weekend to-do list. So there's that.

I've been on the hunt for a new work bag. I've been feeling super disorganized and am tired of having a shoulder-only bag. I've been really wanting a backpack that has enough space for all of my junk that I like to lug around day to day, but also won't make me look like I'm late for class when I'm walking around campus. I'm happy to report that today I *think* I finally found a bag that has nearly everything I'm looking for!

This is the Panama backpack/tote from Ron Pon Pon. It's a cross between a tote and a backpack! The colorful strap is for your shoulder and there's also backpack straps when you need your hands free. After reading over some reviews it looks like most folks use it for a work bag and can easily fit a laptop into it, which is perfect for the size computer I use on a regular basis for my job. The bag was on sale so I opted to go ahead and snag the gray, pictured above! I'm excited for it to come in and see how well it works for me. Hopefully it's a good fit!

Tomorrow morning I'm waking up and running 14 miles for marathon training. Training took a hit through all this mental illness BS but I'm trying to get back on the horse and find some motivation to keep pushing through to get prepared for my October race. Wish me luck!

Finding Some Confidence (BEDA Day 15)

Things I did today:

-Dragged myself out of bed late and started the day running behind

+Laughed a LOT with my colleagues and a couple of students that are on campus early today

+Brainstormed some training sessions for students that I'm excited to present next week

+Managed a tricky situation at work and felt somewhat confident about it?

+Had enough energy after work to clear the sink of dishes and cook dinner

+Practiced drawing dogs (something I've always struggled with) while watching Jersey Shore with Brett, Craig, and Meg

Today was also my 1 year anniversary at my job, and I've been really feeling like I've been hitting my stride the last couple of days. I'm usually riddled with impostor syndrome and question all of my decisions, but for some reason I actually feel like I know what I'm doing?????? It's crazy what a year on the job will bring you. I still have so much to learn and I have a few major facets of my job that are brand new to me this year, but I'm actually feeling good in my role for a change. It's a nice feeling.

Admitting that I've been feeling somewhat okay (or dare I say... GOOD) the last couple days actually scares me. For some reason admitting that to myself makes me so nervous that I'm going to fall back into a depressive state. and an even deeper one at that (nothing like mental illness to make you think irrationally like that, amirite). I came across this comic from The Sad Ghost Club today and it really spoke to me. I felt really good today and was able to accomplish a lot of positive things, but "Doing My Best" might look different tomorrow, and I have to learn to be okay with that.

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Hoping for a Good Day (BEDA Day 10)

Good morning y’all. ☕️

I feel like I look crazy at the moment 😂 but I have some freshly brewed bean juice and all I want to do is have a good day.

Right now I’m going to enjoy my coffee and work on a Star Wars puzzle Brett and I started on Thursday, then I want to do a bunch of reading. I would be so excited if I could finish 2-3 books before I head back to work on Monday!

I’m also planning to go on a run later. I have the option of doing 10 miles or 10k, and I feel like I should do the 10 miles even though my motivation is only wanting me to do the 10k.

Staying consistent with my mood throughout the day is a big struggle, but I feel like fighting through it right now, and I’m hoping I’m able to do it.

I feel like BEDA has become me only talking about my mental health, but I guess that’s just my biggest concern at the moment. I hope you all don’t mind. 💗

Feeling Encouraged (BEDA Day 7)

Things I accomplished today:

-Finished Red, White, and Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston, which achieved the Acceptable grade in Herbology for the N.E.W.T.s readathon

-Signed up for a co-ed volleyball league that will start in October

-Started a new hat with my new yarn and circular needles

-Made plan with Brittany to grab dinner & drinks tomorrow

-Finished the puzzle Brett and I were working on!

I don't want to speak too soon, but I'm starting to feel a bit better. I still, by no means, feel 100% mentally, but this week has been extremely restorative and helpful in getting back on the right path to feeling okay again. Taking the pressure off of myself is really what I needed above everything else. Not having anything on my schedule has been so helpful. I don't want to jump back into life full force quite yet. I still have a lot of work to do in getting myself back. But I felt encouraged today, and I hope I can continue feeling that way moving forward.

No More; No Less (BEDA Day 5)

It occurred to Pooh and Piglet that they hadn't heard from Eeyore for several days, so they put on their hats and coats and trotted across the Hundred Acre Wood to Eeyore's house. Inside the house was Eeyore.

"Hello Eeyore," said Pooh.

"Hello Pooh. Hello Piglet" said Eeyore, in a Glum sounding voice.

"We just thought we'd check on you," said Piglet, "because we hadn't heard from you, and so we wanted to know if you were okay."

Eeyore was silent for a moment. "Am I okay?" he asked, eventually. "Well, I don't know, to be honest. Are any of us really okay? That's what I ask myself. All I can tell you, Pooh and Piglet, is that right now I feel really rather Sad, and Alone, and Not Much Fun To Be Around At All.

Which is why I haven't bothered you. Because you wouldn't want to waste your time hanging out with someone who is Sad, and Alone, and Not Much Fun To Be Around At All, would you now."

Pooh looked and Piglet, and Piglet looked at Pooh, and they both sat down, one on either side of Eeyore in his stick house.

Eeyore looked at them in surprise. "What are you doing?"

"We're sitting here with you," said Pooh, "because we are your friends. And true friends don't care if someone is feeling Sad, or Alone, or Not Much Fun To Be Around At All. True friends are there for you anyway. And so here we are."

"Oh," said Eeyore. "Oh." And the three of them sat there in silence, and while Pooh and Piglet said nothing at all; somehow, almost imperceptibly, Eeyore started to feel a very tiny little bit better.

Because Pooh and Piglet were There.

No more; no less.

Author - AA Milne

Illustration - EH Shepard

I wanted to share this Winnie the Pooh story that I came across this morning.

I feel like it really nails what it is folks like myself need from our loved ones when they're going through a tough time.

Remember to check in with your loved ones if you haven't heard from them in a while. And if they just need you to just be with them, just be with them. No more; no less.

One of the hardest times of my life.

I feel like it's no secret that I struggle a lot with my mental health. It has been particularly tough this year. I don't know what it is, but I am going through one of the hardest times of my life when it comes to my mental state. Over the past few months (probably since December?) I have been up and down so constantly. I go through times where I feel good, and normal, and like I can be productive, and then I experience weeks of feeling super down, crying constantly, not wanting to leave my house and panicking at the thought of being around other people, unable to do the things I enjoy doing...

I'm really tired.

And the reason I'm sharing this with you is not because I want sympathy or that I want advice (though I of course welcome it if you'd like to share!), but that this has been my reality for what feels like such a long time. I'm lying if I said I'm happy most of the time. Most of the time I feel frustrated at myself for feeling so down, for not being productive, for not just sucking it up and ENJOYING LIFE, DAMMIT. Because my life is good. But my brain just doesn't want to let me enjoy it.

I'm trying. I'm really trying... but right now it feels like I never feel good the way I used to. Not even good, just content. It's been a while since I've even felt content. I'm not sure if I'm still feeling residual stress over how busy work was in the spring, or searching for a new home with the threat of homelessness looming above us, but for whatever reason I feel like I'm just in a cloud of feeling bad and it's been really hard to get myself out of it. And it's super discouraging.

I'm tired. And it's getting harder to fight against it day after day. But that doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying. I just need to do some adjusting and be overall kinder to myself. Right now I feel like I'm trying to take on the world and accomplish ALL THE THINGS! (Which, when I'm feeling good, is my favorite way to live life.) But I have to be okay with the fact that if I try to continue on like that right now, I'm going to continue to implode. And I would like to stop doing that thankyouverymuch.

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While I was journaling last night, I came up with a ~mental health game plan~ for myself. I've been finding that when I don't follow this plan, things just get progressively worse for me. And as annoying as it might be to tackle these five things on a daily basis, it's necessary for me to stay afloat.

1. Find one reason to leave the house each day. This one might feel like a really big challenge for me. Sometimes the thought of having to leave in itself can push me into a panic. But the more I can actually get myself out, even if it's just for 15 minutes, the more I'll feel motivated to get out of bed, get dressed, and do at least one productive thing in my day. Ideas include:

• Going to work (this is an easy one, since you know, I kinda have to go to work every week day haha)
• Go for a run/to the gym (or if I'm not feeling mentally up for a run, a walk around the block can work)
• Trip to the library, even if it's just to enjoy a change of environment
• Beach trip (requires a bit more planning but still works!)
• Grab a coffee, which is one of my favorite parts of my daily routine anyway so that should be easy. :)

2. Do one thing creative with my hands every day. I've found that if I can physically do something creative with my hands, it focuses my mind away from the cloud of negativity that has been fogging my mind. Ideas include:

• knitting/sewing
• journaling
• drawing
• painting
• gardening (which isn't currently a hobby of mine but something that I've always wanted to pick up!)

3. Instead of scrolling my phone, watch a show, play a game, or read. Like so many of us, I can scroll my phone for literal hours. I can spend that time that I'm scrolling, indulging in a good story instead. I find that if I'm focused on a story - kind of like when I'm doing something creative - that it can pull focus away from my hazy, negative brain. 

4. Take the pressure off posting to social media. I'm not sure when this happened, but I feel like at some point posting regularly to social media became something that really consumed my mind and I would feel badly if I wasn't consistently posting each week, or I wasn't posting a vlog for every readathon I participated in, or I wasn't finishing Instagram challenges... it all became a source of stress for me rather than a source of fun for me. I really need to step back and just do what feels good. Right now, that's this blog. 

I did record a vlog for 24in48 and I recorded a lot of footage for the Reading Rush, but knowing how I felt through that time of recording, I'm not sure if I'm ever going to have the guts to sit down and edit and post it. It's so hard seeing myself pretending like I'm okay when I'm not. I'm not sure when I'm going to feel comfortable talking to a camera again because putting on the mask of feeling good for the camera just makes me feel worse. But writing posts for my blog is always comforting for me, so for the time being, I think I'll just stick with that. (Plus, I have a fun project on my blog coming up in August. Stay tuned!)

5. Take care of my brain. I need to listen to what my brain is telling me and adjust accordingly. If something doesn't feel good, I need to stop doing it or take a break. I feel like I put so much pressure on myself and it just isn't worth it anymore. 

With that all being said, I'm not sure what the future is going to bring me. I think I have a lot of really hard stuff to work through still, but hopefully that means there will be positivity waiting for me at the end. I'm not sure. Everything is so up and down that I don't know what to even expect. But hopefully, at the end of the day, I'll feel better and can move forward again.

💎 Collecting Gems 💎

As I mentioned in my previous post, my mental health has nahhht been the best lately. Most days have been really difficult and pushing myself to do anything but lay in bed and scroll on my phone has felt nearly impossible. My list of to-dos has felt insurmountable and it seems like life keeps throwing curve balls* at Brett and me in 2019. It's felt really hard to find the energy to keep going when all I want to do is hide under my blankets.

I was thinking the other day about what I can do about how I've been feeling because all I've wanted to do is feel better. Clearly I needed to do something because feeling like that every day is just not healthy. For some reason the idea of collecting gems in video games came to mind. 💎

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In many video games (I was specifically thinking of Zelda, shown above, but this applies to a lot of games), your character needs to collect gems, coins, or other shiny objects in order to up your health, money, and other stats in order to be more successful in the game. When relating this to mental health, you need to think of waking up every day as starting the game over at level 1. You have your natural "stats" that you wake up with (your natural level of positivity, energy, motivaiton, focus, etc.), but in order to boost those "stats" you need to collect gems throughout your day, or physically do things that will make you feel good! (And no, scrolling in your bed on your phone doesn't count. I've actually have found this makes me feel terrible if I spend too much time doing this in the day!)

Some examples of the gems that I personally need to collect in order to boost my stats include:

💎 Exercising - I usually have to fight so hard to motivate myself to exercise, but I know that when I finally get out there and work up some kind of sweat, I'll feel so much more energized, motivated, and happy (yay endorphins!).

💎 Cleaning - This sounds weird and, again, isn't something that's necessarily easy to motivate myself to do, but having a clean space puts my mind at easy and clears up space (literally) for me to focus on other things.

💎 Going outside - It's finally getting to be consistently warm outside and I always forget in the winter time how therapeutic it is for me to be outside. While I love spending time at home, going for a walk, getting some sunshine, and breathing in the fresh air has an amazing calming effect on me.

💎 Working on a project - When I can focus all of my energy into one project, whether that's doing a craft, editing a video, cooking a meal, rearranging my bookshelf, or something completely different, I feel like I can totally shut my brain off and focus. PLUS I can have that sense of accomplishment of completing something when I'm done!

💎 Self-care - I mean this in the more literal eating fruits & vegetables daily/drinking water/sleeping enough/showering regularly kind of sense. You know, sometimes (a lot of the time) you just gotta remind yourself to do those really basic tasks and it's always wild to be reminded how much of a difference those tasks make!

💎 Trying something new - I'm a big fan of learning and exploring, so trying something new always makes me feel energized! The other day I tried a new IPA I picked up at the store (with a brilliantly punny name) and while that might sound small, it was super exciting to try something I never had before and learn more about the brewing company (White Lion).

Aforementioned punny IPA #ROARange 🍊

I could, of course, mention my specific hobbies by name as gem collecting activities, but I really think they can easily fall under the above categories and definitely bring me energy and positivity in my daily life. For example, writing this blog post has helped me collect some gems under the "working on a project" gem category! The more gems I can collect throughout each day to boost my stats, the better my overall mental health generally is, and if I can build some momentum day to day the better I can deal with all the craziness life can bring my way. (Leave it to me to gameify my mental health, but hey - whatever helps, right?)

What gems do you need to collect each day to boost your stats? 💎

*Our most recent curve ball was Brett getting into a car accident last week in the car he literally just bought a month ago. He's totally fine which, of course, we're so thankful for! But his car is pretty dinged up meaning money going toward repairs on his new car. Cool cool cool. 💸

Books I'm Currently Reading

• No Exit by Taylor Adams - I picked up this book last night because I had my windows open, it was pouring rain, and it was putting me in the mood for something ~spooky~. I didn't have to get past the dedication page before I was just totally creeped out. 😱

• Still working on Night Film and Good Omens and will hopefully finish those up by the end of May!

Shows I'm Currently Watching

• I finally got around to watching Big Little Lies over the long weekend and loved the way HBO adapted the novel! Big Little Lies was one of my favorite books I read in 2018 and they really did the original story justice while also adding a few more twists and turns that weren't in the source material. I'm interested to see where they go in season 2 (which comes out next week!) now that they'll be off-book!

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• A Double Shot at Love with Pauly & Vinny - Brett and I love our trash television, especially when it has anything to do with Jersey Shore! We binged the show to get all the way caught up last week and now we're obsessed. Suzi is totally our fave.

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• Finishing up Season 3 of Queer Eye, one of the best shows to every grace our televisions, of course.

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Plans for the Rest of the Week

Lucky for me, I only have a full day today and half a day tomorrow in the office this week. We're doing a staff BBQ tomorrow at our Director's house and then it's the weekend again! I'm loving having Fridays off in the summer. It's already been such a dream! I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to go back to 5-day work weeks at the end of August haha.

Friday will be mainly spend collecting gems 💎 in the form of going for an AM run and finishing up some books by the end of the month. Saturday starts June and also starts my 30 Books in 30 Days Reading Challenge! I'm real nervous to take on this challenge but also super excited to strive for this fairly lofty goal. I'm hoping to put out weekly progress vlogs for this project, so make sure you're subscribed to my channel to see what I read each week! The rest of the weekend will likely be filled with hockey watching (GO BRUINS!), cooking good food, getting caught up on some much overdue blog posts and videos, and spending time with B. We don't have anything specific planned which will be nice as our summer trip to Florida is fast approaching, so it'll be great to hang around the house over the weekend!

💎I hope you all have a fantastic rest of your week 

and remember to collect your gems!💎

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Digging Out of the Depression Hole

Now that the academic year has ended and summer vacation is upon us (and by "us" I mean everyone that works in Higher Ed. Summer starts in May for us. Perks!), I really am trying to re-focus my energy back to the things I love to do. Lucky for me, I now work on a campus that gives staff members Fridays off over the summer (in exchange for slightly extended days Monday-Thursday), so not only will I have more free time to myself during the week, I will *hopefully* also have some more energy! I think that's my main obstacle when it comes to prioritizing my hobbies throughout the academic year - I'm just so tired at the end of the day, all I want to do is be a potato on the couch until I pass out in my work clothes.

ANYWHO, all this is to say that I want to try get back on the weekly blog post train. I definitely did not have the motivation to be that consistent throughout the first half of the year, but I figured I'd give it another go while I have time in the summer. Why not? I do have quite a few fun things planned for the summer (a trip down to FL, a hand full of concerts, a couple of races, etc.) and while I am getting back into posting consistently over on YouTube, there's always something about blogging that can capture it all, if that makes sense.

This week is Round 6 of BorrowAThon which is always an amazing experience. These are MY PEOPLE here on the bookish corner of the internet and I am always so grateful that I have them in my life. They make me feel so happy and like I fit right in - a feeling I don't have in a lot of aspects of my life. Sometimes I wish BorrowAthon happened more often but unfortunately my mental capacity can only keep up with twice a year! At least I'll always have it to look forward to, right?

Books I'm Currently Reading

• The Wizards of Once by Cressida Cowell (Middle grade fantasy, reading for BorrowAThon!)
• Good Omens by Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett (Audiobook from the library which I'll be reading on my commute home today. I've heard it's full-cast and I am very excited to get to it!)
• Night Film by Marisha Pessl*

Shows I'm Currently Watching

• The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, Season 2

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• Obviously just finished up watching Game of Thrones, Season 8. So sad that it's over!
  

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• Season finale of The Challenge: War of the Worlds is tomorrow! Really rooting for Turbo!

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Plans for the Rest of the Week

I'm honestly just trying my best to get through to the end of Thursday because then I have a FIVE DAY WEEKEND, Y'ALL! I may as well just call it a vacation because I feel like anything beyond a four day weekend can easily count as a vacation. As I mentioned, we get Friday off for the first time this week, then we have Memorial Day on Monday, and then I had an extra personal day I needed to find time to take before the end of June, so I decided to tack it on to the end of MDW. Why not, right? Obviously I plan to do a heckuvalot of reading, but I also really want to go see Booksmart in theatres and then potentially get a haircut because I literally have not cut my hair since August. It's time.

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Other than that I really do not have plans for the weekend. I hope to go on a run each day I have off, and maybe film a couple of videos to post before the end of the month. I'm really trying as hard as I can to dig myself out of this depression hole** I've dug myself into over the first half of this year and it's exhausting work. But I'm trying.

I feel like this blog post is just all over the place but that's how my brain feels at the moment. And always, if I'm being honest. But it feels good to be back and to be working to get everything back on track to the best of my ability. Hopefully I'll find my groove again sometime soon!

*Sooooooooooooooooooo I've had this on my currently reading shelf since literally September. There's a handful of books that have been on my currently reading shelf since the fall and I really want to start working to get them read! I'm going to prioritize one each week, chip away at it, and then eventually get my Currently Reading shelf to zero. Big dreams. Wish me luck! 🙃

**The last few weeks have been really hard, guys. Like… really hard. Every day has been a struggle. But I'm trying everything in my power to start to feel better. I'm journaling daily. I'm making sure I'm eating SOMETHING green at least once a day. I'm trying to get back into my running routine. I'm getting up and walking every time my watch buzzes at me to move. I'm trying! It's exhausting but it's important and I hope that others out there who might be fighting these demons like I am know that they are not alone and I'm sending them positive energy to keep on fighting, just like I'm trying to.

Holiday Self Care | Blog Ahead #17

Blog Ahead #17
Originally written on October 15, 2018

Like a lot of people, the holidays tend to be a challenging time for me. I deal with anxiety often and am a big introvert, and the stress of the holiday season is not easy for me. Between the commitment of spending time with friends and family almost every weekend and evening, the stress of spending money that I really shouldn't be spending on food and gifts, and the annoyance of feeling like I can't get a second to myself, I really do struggle through the holidays. I know I'm not alone, though, so I wanted to share some things that I do in order to take care of myself during this stressful time in the hopes that it may help a few of you out there.

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1. Take moments away

This one is a life saver for me. Like a lot of you, our weekends fill up with holiday parties almost every weekend and while I love seeing my friends and family, it is hard to be "on" all weekend when I've already been "on" all week for work and haven't had a moment to catch my breath and shut off. This is why I make it a point to scope out a place where I can step away where needed (be it a bedroom, a bathroom, outside, etc.) and take a quiet moment to myself. Sometimes I just need a quick 15 minute break to recharge my batteries before I can slap a smile back on my face and continue to ~mingle~. Sometimes I'm even able to grab a coffee at a nearby coffee shop which is an extra bonus! Either way, being able to steal these small moments keeps me charged and able to take on the remainder of the season. Highly recommend.

2. Keep your phone charger and headphones with you

I know it's not the most "polite" thing the world, but honestly my phone has been a life saver during the holiday season. When you're anxious or drained, sometimes it really helps to talk to someone who isn't there with you or connect on social media because EVERYONE is having a stressful time and we can all relate. :P Having a charger handy at all times ensures that you aren't left stranded (should you feel the need to connect outside of your physical environment), and having headphones is an added bonus if you have the opportunity to listen to music/a podcast/an audiobook or watch something on Netflix or YouTube! Again, it's not the most "polite" thing in the world and I try to avoid it as much as possible, but sometimes the need for self care becomes more important!

3. Be realistic and up front about what you can and can't contribute

This applies to a lot of things, but I especially mean financial contributions. The holidays are *not* cheap and, especially as you get older, there's an unspoken expectation that you're shelling out money for food and parties and booze and gifts and yankee swaps and decorations and EVERYTHING. A lot of the time, for me at least, it's not money I necessarily should be spending, so one thing that has helped me over the last few years is being up front about what I can/can't contribute and be okay with having to sit a few things out in order to feel financially stable through the craziness of December. In my experience, folks have been really understanding and it always gives me peace of mind when I'm up front about things related to this topic. Similarly, be realistic and up front about what you can and can't contribute in terms of your time, attention, and mental health. The more the people around you can understand where you're at, the more weight will be lifted off your shoulders.

4. Find time for you and be protective of it!

This definitely relates to points 1 and 3, but it's especially important for me to be protective of my down time during this season. If I can, I identify at least one day a week where I don't commit to anything and I keep it that way. The way my brain operates, I need at least one day where I don't go anywhere so I can catch up on chores, recharge my mental batteries, and maybe *gasp* do the things that I actually like to do in my down time. If I get offered to do something on that day, I do my best to respectfully decline. Why? Because I have a date with myself and it's important not to cancel hen you've made a commitment! It's hard to say no, but when it comes to self care it's necessary.

5. Have coping techniques on deck

Before we *really* get into the swing of the holidays, make sure you know what your coping mechanisms are when it comes to stress. Make a list on your phone and prepare what you need when you might not be in your comfortable place. The more you can prepare the better you'll feel as you go through the season! It'll also be an extra weight off your shoulders knowing you have go-to methods to make yourself feel a bit better when you're in a stressful environment.

Sending you all lots of love this holiday season. We will get through the stressful times together so we can enjoy making happy memories with our loved ones! <3

Ups & Downs

This last week has had some major ups and downs. I've been struggling more than normal with my mental health lately and I don't know what it is. I keep looking to find reasons, but I'm coming up short at this point. I'm trying to be super gentle with myself, though, and focus on what I can control. It's just been hard to escape the cycle of my bed and ignoring all the things I want to accomplish when I get home in the evening. It's hard for me to be okay with that, so I'm trying to strike a balance and cope the best way I can, but it's been tough. I know it's a downer, but I think it's important to be up front and real with you all. I know I'm not the only one that is struggling in the world, and maybe someone reading this will feel comforted knowing they're not alone.

I've also been weirdly been dealing with this sore throat/croaky voice for the last few days. I woke up with this raspy voice on Saturday out of no where and it has progressed into a cough/sore throat situation. Not sure what's happening because I feel fine otherwise (no other cold symptoms, just the throat... >_>), so hopefully it's just a passing thing. Not trying to get sick!

Now that I've gotten the major negatives out of the way, let's focus on the positives the last week has brought which include:

1. RUNNING!

Joined a new running club over the long weekend 🏃🏻‍♀️

A post shared by Riley (@rmfickfack) on Oct 9, 2018 at 9:46am PDT

Now that I've deferred my Newport Marathon registration to 2019, I've been feeling super motivated to go out on more runs! Over the weekend I logged a total of 20.2 miles across two days (6.2 on Saturday, 14 on Sunday) and I felt great after each run, albeit pretty sore after #SundayRunday. I will say that I am SO glad I opted to defer my Newport registration because there's honestly no way I would have made it 26.2 miles. My legs were DEAD after 9 miles so, as I predicted, I don't think Newport would have been fun at all. I am really looking forward to Richmond, though (and now I'm officially registered!), and I'm aiming to do a 16 mile day this weekend!

2. READING!

Since we're once again in ~spooky season~ I've been really eager to read through some spooky books! I've somehow already flown through 4 books (admittedly, only one spooky so far, but we're working on it!) and am in the middle of a handful of others. I just started Meddling Kids by Edgar Cantero on Monday and I haven't quite gotten into it yet, but I did start An Absolutely Remarkable Thing by Hank Green last night and I have been loving it! I'm about 50 pages in as of writing this post and I cannot wait to pick it back up. I'm so happy that I always have books to count on as a resource of comfort.

3. LETTING MYSELF LAUGH AT DUMB INTERNET MEMES ALL DAY!

Because honestly it's the only way I get through the pain of how messy the country is these days. #ironicdetachment (but in all seirousness, vote on November 6th, k thanks). 

Side note: have y'all been watching Shane Dawson's Jake Paul series? What have you though about it so far? I know there's a lot of criticism on how he's handling the subject matter, but I honestly think he and Andrew (lol I use their first names like they're my friends) are doing a fantastic job. They're doing something that you rarely, if ever, see on YouTube and are basically single-handedly (is it still "single-handedly" if there's two people?) changing the game and raising the standard. There's a link to a great video at the bottom of this post that explains this a bit more and I think it's a unique perspective to keep in mind as the series continues to release. If anything else, the series is entertaining AF and I'm having a great time watching it. Especially this part:

LMFAOOO this part sentttt meee😭😭🤣🤣🤣🤭😩😩 pic.twitter.com/SEjTU45y2V

— Logyn🕊 (@LniallerV) October 3, 2018

4. BRETT!♥

Honestly Brett has been such an amazing support these last few weeks while my mental health ha taken a bit of a turn. I know he's super busy with work and he's dealing with his own stress, but he's making me feel loved and supported and less alone through this time which has been so incredible. I feel really lucky that he's by my side. 

Speaking of Brett, his surgery for his nose is tomorrow. We're hoping for a speedy and safe procedure and recovery, and we're ready (Brett is ESPECIALLY ready) to put this all behind us! I'll keep y'all updated on how everything goes.

This upcoming weekend is #ReadYourFaceOff October! Woop woop! It's always fun to participate in RYFO every month and really take time to focus on reading and nothing else. I do have to bring my car in for an oil change on Saturday and, like I mentioned earlier, I want to run 16 miles, but other than that I just want to read and spend time with Brett and the dogs. That's all I ever want to do! :P

LINKS I LOVED THIS WEEK

I thought I'd start sharing a list of links that I'm a fan of every week, both to share with you all but also to keep a bit of a record of the things I'm loving/thinking about from week to week. These could include articles, blog posts, podcasts, videos.... really anything! I'll put this section at the end of each Wednesday Life Update post so you'll know where to find them. :)

8 Realities of Marathon Training from Relentless Forward Commotion

What I Learned About Love, I Learned from My Dog from Wedding Woof

Punch Up the Jam Episode 39 - Misery Business

How Shane Dawson Reinvented Collabs (And Paid The Price For It) from Andrei Terbea

Adulting & Mental Health

This blog topic has been on my mind for a few months now and I'm finally feeling ready to write about it. 

Adulting is hard, guys. That truly seems to be the millennial mantra, and I don't say that in any negative way (for some reason my generation, the millennials, has become synonymous for BAD, but that's a conversation for a different day), I say it because it's true and millennials aren't ones to put on a happy face when things aren't working the best way they could be. Calling adulthood what it is - extremely difficult - is just in our nature. Balancing the hundreds of spinning plates that makeup adulthood is hard, and when you live with an unpredictable mental illness like anxiety, it becomes that much harder. There are days, sometimes weeks, where the only thing I can do when I get home at the end of the day is lay in bed, knowing that all of my responsibilities are piling up and waiting for me to take care of them once I muster up enough energy or motivation to stand up.

The major way that my anxiety manifests itself is lack of self-esteem. I am constantly thinking negatively about myself, feeling like I'm not good enough, and feeling generally awful about myself. This is pretty detrimental to motivation, energy, and ultimately productivity, making doing anything a normal adult does from something as time consuming as taxes or as seemingly simple as grocery shopping the most difficult task on the planet. I'm thankful that I still somehow gather the energy to get the most important things done, like paying bills and getting myself to work in the morning, but often things that pertain to taking care of myself, like eating right and drinking enough water and getting enough sleep, are the first things to get thrown on the back burner. With the way my anxiety manifests itself, it's really no surprise that this happens. I don't feel important or worthy, so why should I be taking care of myself?

A glimpse into my brain when my anxiety pays a visit.

[Comic by Sow Ay]

I don't say this to search for sympathy, I say this because this is genuinely how I feel when my anxiety decides to rear its ugly head. On days where I feel great, I know I'm good at what I do, I know I'm a good person, I know I deserve the things I have, and I know that I'm going places in life. But with my anxiety comes fear, doubt, self-loathing, and it. is. exhausting. I often wonder if it will get to a point where these spinning plates will start crashing down one by one. Will there be a day where I don't find the energy to get up for the bare minimum? Is this as bad as it can possibly get or can it get worse? Will I ever feel confident again? Will I ever feel normal again? (See? Exhausting.)

Mental illness is tricky because you never know when you're going to have a good day or a bad day, and while there are things in our world that can help treat it, its something that you need to live with for the rest of your life. I'm still figuring out how to cope with mine and my coping strategies do change and evolve each day, but I thought I'd share what I do to gain more energy to keep the plates spinning during the bad days, and maybe it could help someone else out there.

[Comic by Beth Evans]

Get to a quiet space. 

Usually my brain is so loud with such negative thoughts that any other noise makes my feel that much worse. If I can give myself some genuinely quiet time without doing anything else (no phone, no music, no TV, no anything) it often slows my brain down enough where I can actually get to a semi-productive place and start or continue the project that needs to get done. Bonus points if you can get outside for some fresh air and change of environment.

Put on a favorite TV show or movie and focus on that for a while. 

I have several go-to television shows that will always distract me from my negative thoughts or will comfort me when I'm feeling especially overwhelmed. I allow myself time to get lost in the fictional world I'm watching for however long I need in order to get my energy back. Getting back to a better place (not necessarily a good place, but a better place) takes time and you can't rush it, so make sure you give yourself the time you need to get back into a mental space where you can be productive.

Vent about it/write about it.

If I'm feeling up to it, I talk to Brett about how I'm feeling. Speaking about my anxiety and negative thoughts is very difficult for me and always makes me cry tears of frustration, but Brett is patient and will listen to me vent when I need to. It always helps to get it out and it puts us on the same page which is an extra bonus. If I don't feel like I can talk about it out loud, I'll write about it, mostly in my journal but sometimes a blog post like this is a better venue.

Let yourself feel that way.

I think this is one of the most important things I do. Living with anxiety is so frustrating. All I want is to feel better and normal and it's frustrating when I'm just sitting there feeling terrible and having no way of knowing when I won't feel terrible anymore. So the easiest thing to do is be okay with feeling the way I feel and not rushing to feel better. I try to remember to just do what I can when I can, and when I have my next good day, I'll know I can get more done. Everything just takes time, and remembering that and believing it will be better in the near future will make a difference.

If you're someone who lives with a mental illness, I hope that you could relate to this post or maybe find it helpful. I'm a big believer that we as a society need to continue to discuss mental illness because there is still such a HUGE stigma around it. The more we talk about it, the more we can relate to one another, and the more we can relate to one another, the faster we can dismantle the stigma surrounding mental illness.