One of the hardest times of my life.

I feel like it's no secret that I struggle a lot with my mental health. It has been particularly tough this year. I don't know what it is, but I am going through one of the hardest times of my life when it comes to my mental state. Over the past few months (probably since December?) I have been up and down so constantly. I go through times where I feel good, and normal, and like I can be productive, and then I experience weeks of feeling super down, crying constantly, not wanting to leave my house and panicking at the thought of being around other people, unable to do the things I enjoy doing...

I'm really tired.

And the reason I'm sharing this with you is not because I want sympathy or that I want advice (though I of course welcome it if you'd like to share!), but that this has been my reality for what feels like such a long time. I'm lying if I said I'm happy most of the time. Most of the time I feel frustrated at myself for feeling so down, for not being productive, for not just sucking it up and ENJOYING LIFE, DAMMIT. Because my life is good. But my brain just doesn't want to let me enjoy it.

I'm trying. I'm really trying... but right now it feels like I never feel good the way I used to. Not even good, just content. It's been a while since I've even felt content. I'm not sure if I'm still feeling residual stress over how busy work was in the spring, or searching for a new home with the threat of homelessness looming above us, but for whatever reason I feel like I'm just in a cloud of feeling bad and it's been really hard to get myself out of it. And it's super discouraging.

I'm tired. And it's getting harder to fight against it day after day. But that doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying. I just need to do some adjusting and be overall kinder to myself. Right now I feel like I'm trying to take on the world and accomplish ALL THE THINGS! (Which, when I'm feeling good, is my favorite way to live life.) But I have to be okay with the fact that if I try to continue on like that right now, I'm going to continue to implode. And I would like to stop doing that thankyouverymuch.

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While I was journaling last night, I came up with a ~mental health game plan~ for myself. I've been finding that when I don't follow this plan, things just get progressively worse for me. And as annoying as it might be to tackle these five things on a daily basis, it's necessary for me to stay afloat.

1. Find one reason to leave the house each day. This one might feel like a really big challenge for me. Sometimes the thought of having to leave in itself can push me into a panic. But the more I can actually get myself out, even if it's just for 15 minutes, the more I'll feel motivated to get out of bed, get dressed, and do at least one productive thing in my day. Ideas include:

• Going to work (this is an easy one, since you know, I kinda have to go to work every week day haha)
• Go for a run/to the gym (or if I'm not feeling mentally up for a run, a walk around the block can work)
• Trip to the library, even if it's just to enjoy a change of environment
• Beach trip (requires a bit more planning but still works!)
• Grab a coffee, which is one of my favorite parts of my daily routine anyway so that should be easy. :)

2. Do one thing creative with my hands every day. I've found that if I can physically do something creative with my hands, it focuses my mind away from the cloud of negativity that has been fogging my mind. Ideas include:

• knitting/sewing
• journaling
• drawing
• painting
• gardening (which isn't currently a hobby of mine but something that I've always wanted to pick up!)

3. Instead of scrolling my phone, watch a show, play a game, or read. Like so many of us, I can scroll my phone for literal hours. I can spend that time that I'm scrolling, indulging in a good story instead. I find that if I'm focused on a story - kind of like when I'm doing something creative - that it can pull focus away from my hazy, negative brain. 

4. Take the pressure off posting to social media. I'm not sure when this happened, but I feel like at some point posting regularly to social media became something that really consumed my mind and I would feel badly if I wasn't consistently posting each week, or I wasn't posting a vlog for every readathon I participated in, or I wasn't finishing Instagram challenges... it all became a source of stress for me rather than a source of fun for me. I really need to step back and just do what feels good. Right now, that's this blog. 

I did record a vlog for 24in48 and I recorded a lot of footage for the Reading Rush, but knowing how I felt through that time of recording, I'm not sure if I'm ever going to have the guts to sit down and edit and post it. It's so hard seeing myself pretending like I'm okay when I'm not. I'm not sure when I'm going to feel comfortable talking to a camera again because putting on the mask of feeling good for the camera just makes me feel worse. But writing posts for my blog is always comforting for me, so for the time being, I think I'll just stick with that. (Plus, I have a fun project on my blog coming up in August. Stay tuned!)

5. Take care of my brain. I need to listen to what my brain is telling me and adjust accordingly. If something doesn't feel good, I need to stop doing it or take a break. I feel like I put so much pressure on myself and it just isn't worth it anymore. 

With that all being said, I'm not sure what the future is going to bring me. I think I have a lot of really hard stuff to work through still, but hopefully that means there will be positivity waiting for me at the end. I'm not sure. Everything is so up and down that I don't know what to even expect. But hopefully, at the end of the day, I'll feel better and can move forward again.